Worrying times

A few weeks ago the doctors decided to cut my treatment down to a once a month maintenance dose of Nivulomab. Their reasoning behind this was that I have been on the drug for two years now and it is expected that after this amount of time the body should have learnt to deal with the cancer by itself. Naturally, thie idea of reducing treatment still concerned me, but you have to go with what the doctors say.

I had my first CT scan since reducing the frequency of treatment a couple of weeks ago. At my follow up appointment the results of the scan were not yet available, so the consultant called me with the results whilst I was shopping in Tesco. So, standing alone in Tesco, I was told that a tumour on my liver had increased in size from 8mm to 12mm and that they need to do an MRI scan to further investigate this change. Following the scan, the doctors will meet to discuss the way forward… That was all I was told.

I have no idea what will happen, but I know that I’ve previously been told that any sign of disease progression will mean they stop my treatment and that there are no alternative treatments left to try. I was also told, back in 2018 that they will not open me up to do surgery ever again. So basically I’ve spent the last couple of weeks contemplating going through the awful process of dying once again. 😢

I’ve been quite angry this past couple of weeks as, although we’ve  really been living in limbo for the past two and a half years, we’ve managed to develop a new kind of normal, where we put the idea of the treatment stopping working to the back of our minds and started planning things a little bit further ahead. We started talking about what we’ll grow in the garden next year, what rooms in the house we’ll decorate next, where to go on holiday etc. Even converting another van. All of a sudden, we are starkly reminded that this may well not happen. 

I then became angry at all the things I should’ve done with this extra time I’d been given, but haven’t done them. Silly things like clearing out all of my old clothes and stuff in the loft that’s either too small or I don’t use anymore. So I’ve started a major clear out this past week or so and been told off by my daughter because it make it look like I’m getting ready to leave (which I suppose I am in my own way 😩).

Anyway my MRI scan is today and I’m unsure when I’ll find out the results. I’ll let you know…