There are no words for this title

Last Thursday we went to see the oncologist for the results of my 3 month restaging scan and were faced with the devastating news that the chemo hasn’t worked and the spot they found on my peritoneum has grown into a tumour along with several of my lymph nodes now enlarged and cancerous. I had gone along to the appointment with an already negative mindset as I had been in some pain and discomfort in the week leading up to the scan and had convinced myself something was wrong. So I didn’t have chemo that day as had been planned and am now on a 3 week break from chemo while the oncologist looks into possible immunotherapy trials I may fit the criteria for. If none are available then I am to begin a different type of chemotherapy on 2nd August in an attempt to slow the growth/shrink the tumour. I have been told that my life expectancy with treatment is a maximum of 1-2 years.

Almost a week after receiving this news, we are still in a state of shock and crying has, once again, become the norm in our house. Macmillan have been a great support in financial advice and we have also been referred to the Macmillan family support team, counselling service and St Elizabeth hospice. The pain is a little bit worse each day, but I’m just about managing with paracetamol at the moment.

Andy has been contacting hospitals abroad about potential treatment opportunities elsewhere and I’ve had several people contact me about alternative therapies, but I can’t help but feel I’m losing this battle. It’s not in my nature to lose, so this situation is extremely hard for me to get my head around.

I am very grateful to all my friends who have visited me/planned to visit me since I got the news and for the flowers/cards. I have found that I am better when I have people around me because sitting on my own makes me go to that dark place where the negativity creeps in.